In the Pursuit of Happiness and Late Nights with Tony Robbins

Photo by Szilvia Basso on Unsplash

Happiness… what does it mean to you? It is certainly something that we all want, but admittedly, we are not even sure what it looks like, or for the most of us, we are certainly not sure where to find it or how to get it. As a result, we begin to seek to produce happiness whether its through experiences, accomplishments, or the people or things that we surround ourselves with.

Happiness and money, with a splash of power and fame, has been an emotional but unhealthy cocktail that we all have been mixing for ourselves for ages. As Saint Thomas Acquinas proclaimed in his Summa Theologiae, man’s folly is often found in his mistaken quest for happiness through the pursuit of wealth, pleasure, power, honor or glory.

Other philosophers from the Stoics to the Existentialists, echoed similar ideas that happiness was not found through some external source but instead it is to be found internally whether through living a virtuous life, embracing life’s difficulties or associating with something bigger than oneself. That “something” for some is meaning or purpose, while for others it is their closer connection with their understanding of God or the universe.

Regardless of the different ideas and opinions, one thing was for sure, happiness was not to be achieved in the accumulation of more stuff, prestige, power or glory. This concept seems easy to understand looking back now with the benefit of age and experience, but as a freshly minted college graduate ready to claim his stake on the world, not so much.

For more than two centuries, Americans have been promised the right to pursue happiness. As Thomas Jefferson reminded and proclaimed for all of us, we have been endowed by our creator with the unalienable right to pursue it unfettered from interference in the form of a King or otherwise. Unfortunately the right to actually find it is not so similarly guaranteed and there lies the rub. So happiness is a God given right, but its up to me to determine what it consists of, and how to achieve it.

In the late 80s, when home from college during my semester breaks, many a night I would stay up to watch television as most teenagers would at my age. It was during these late nights laying on the couch in my parent’s wood paneling lined basement, I would stumble upon a young dynamic man who professed that he held the knowledge of creating a life of achievement and dreams. He never had to even mention the word “happiness” but he didn’t have to since it was exactly what he was selling.

By purchasing his “audio program” one would be able to “unlock their personal power” as he taught the techniques and mindset to improve every facet of one’s life. He would tell you confidently that you didn’t have to take his word for it but instead you could look to and listen to the testimonies of the many successful leaders, business people, professional athletes and celebrities who benefited from his coaching and wisdom. You could see for yourself the results of his “success conditioning.” Who didn’t want to master their finances, master their emotions, improve their relationships and ultimately, master their life. It was my God given American right after all… right?

Watching him boldly fly his personal helicopter over the white capped waves similar to a scene from Magnum PI while he flew over his “castle” overlooking the Pacific, or other video footage showing him speaking on stage in front of a raptured audience, a fellow seeker couldn’t help but be impressed. All the elements of success and happiness were paraded across my pixelated screen for all to see and admire at 1:00 am in the morning. St. Acquinas’ foreboding warning of pursuing wealth, power, influence, and glory didn’t look that bad to me. This young and very tall man with his perfectly quaffed hair, impeccable suit and tie, and deep voice and dynamic speaking style appeared very happy. I mean, he had his own helicopter and actual castle!

I may not have been able to define happiness, but just as Supreme Court Justice Stewart famously declared in Jacobellis vs. Ohio in 1964, that he may not know what pornography was, but he knew it when he saw it, I would concur. To me Tony Robbins certainly embodied happiness and for the low price of $179.95, he was going to teach me where and how to get it just like him. It was a bargain of a lifetime and all I had to do was “take action in despite of my fears” with a 60 day money back guarantee of course. Unfortunately, being a poor college student prevented me from purchasing Tony’s “Personal Power” program with its cassettes, so I guess happiness was going to have to wait and be put on the back burner.

A couple of years later after graduating from college, I revisited Tony Robbins’ view on happiness and purchased his new book, “Awaken the Giant Within.” Similar to Personal Power, it promised to the teach me the methods and techniques to master my life. Although Tony spoke of controlling our emotional states as the key to unlocking life mastery, I was more drawn to the goals, the dreams, and the life of wealth and influence. What 22 year old living back at home in his parent’s basement wouldn’t want such a glamorous life?

In one set of exercises, Tony walked me through a brainstorming session regarding my personal development, economic and financial goals. His recipe for success was pretty straightforward. Identify your most important values and goals, align your values with your goals, assign powerful “why” and emotions behind each goal, and take immediate action towards them. Rinse and repeat consistently until you achieved your dreams. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you happiness!

I diligently worked my way through the exercises, and identified some of my personal development goals at the time. Here are just a sampling of the eye-raising highlights:

• Write an award winning novel;
• Climb a mountain;
• Swim with dolphins (*yes, I put that down as one of my goals);
• Help the needy;
• Become a CEO of an international company

For my economic and financial goals, the Tony Robbins wanna be version of myself didn’t hold back with thinking big (bigger the goals, bigger the happiness). Here are a few:

• House overlooking the Mediterranean Sea;
• Yacht;
• Stable with horses (*I never rode a horse);
• 911 sports-car;
• Gourmet kitchen

In looking back at these lists 30+ years after the fact, I can’t help but shake my head with a subtle smile (and slight embarrassment). Not because of how ambitious I was at a young age, but rather how far off I was. While I could easily Monday morning quarterback my naive 22 year old self, by ridiculing him or showing the clear errors of his ways, that wouldn’t be productive. He was seeking answers with his ego front and center at the time since that is all he knew. For the record, other than my sporadic charitable giving over the years, I never achieved any of those other goals.

I share these so called past goals with you to not reveal my own folly I engaged in as I began to walk on my own Knowing Road but to provide a back drop as to the questions around happiness. Revisiting how I thought about happiness when I was younger has helped me to put in perspective my understanding of it now.

Obviously, purchasing tapes or a book from a late night infomercial didn’t do it for me back then… But it goes back to the dilemma we all face when seeking happiness. How can we find something that we really don’t know what it looks like or can’t really define? And if we can’t define it, we can’t really understand it, and if that is the case, how in the world can we cultivate it? For those who are fortunate, we may stumble upon it, but for the rest of us, it is often a blindfolded journey since what makes someone else happy may not be the same for you or me. Its elusiveness is the fact that it is somewhat subjective and personalized for everyone. But what if there were general concepts to happiness that were more universal with the finer details left up to each individual? With these questions in mind, my investigation continued.

As with most things in my life, I am not a professed expert, but I am smart enough to look to others so I can come to some better understanding for myself. So what do the experts say? Well, there are many, but I particulary enjoy Professor Laura Santos from Yale University who teaches the incredibly popular course at Yale and on Coursera on the Science of Well-Being. In addition to Professor Santos, Arthur Brooks, the Harvard professor, social researcher, speaker, best selling author and columnist, has become a recent favorite given his use of equations in presenting his ideas. Here are three from his research that you may find helpful:

1. Happiness is an emotional state, and like all emotional states, they come and go. A better and more accurate term for happiness when we use such a word from an inner assessment perspective is “Well-Being” and our well-being is the interplay and combination of the extent of pleasure (which is somewhat dependent on our physical health), satisfaction and meaning in our life. Well-Being = Pleasure + Satisfaction + Meaning
2. The more things you want versus the things you have determines your satisfaction. It essentially ties out to the Buddhist teachings around how our attachments and desires are the source of our inner suffering. So if you reduce your “wants,” compared to your haves, the more satisfied you will be. So much for that 1,000 item “bucket” list. Satisfaction = Your Haves / Your Wants
3. You may not control you genes, or your circumstances, but you can control your habits (which can account for up to 40% of our overall well-being according to some research). The habits that contribute the most to your well-being is your faith (the sense that there is something bigger than yourself whether it comes in the form of religion, spirituality or other secular thought), family and friends (the quality of your life is reflective of the quality of your relationships, and in the end, the Beatles got it right, all you need is love), and work (the extent that your work is interesting to you and is connected to the serving of others). Habits = Faith + Family + Friends + Work

Of course, there is so much more on this topic to write about, but it gives me an interesting framework to contemplate. How can I cultivate more meaning in my life? How can I experience more joy in my present moments? How can I reduce my “wants?” What other “well-being” habits can I make more a part of my life?

Looking back with three decades of trial and error in understanding happiness, I can’t help but gently laugh at myself with a high degree of compassion. I wasn’t really aware of what really mattered. Most aren’t. I was looking for external indicators or evidence of my own worth and value whether in the form of future recognition (awards), future wealth (material possessions), future pleasure (dolphins…lol) or future power (an international CEO). I was doing exactly what St. Acquinas forewarned of pursuing close to 800 years ago.

Achievement is not happiness. Wealth is not happiness. Power and Influence is not happiness. Happiness is simply a positive state of being and that essentially comes from within. Unfortunately, due to our individual genes and circumstances, some of us have to work at it a bit more through our habits.

Tony Robbins has always gotten something right about success and happiness and that it is up to each of us to create it. We are the ones who ultimately control our outcomes with the daily choices we make with how we view ourselves and the world.¹

Unfortunately, what is left out in a lot of the discussions and studies on what makes one happy is the key to it all and that is loving ourselves first and foremost. In my opinion, self love is the foundational piece for well-being or happiness. So my own take on Arthur Brooks’ well-being equation is to introduce a new denominator of self love (with a range from 0 to 1). For no matter the amount of pleasure, satisfaction or meaning you have in your life, without the foundation of self love, the result will always be an inaccurate reflection of your overall sense of well-being.

(Pleasure + Satisfaction + Meaning) / Self Love = Well-Being/Happiness

So with this knowing, what would I have said to my 22 year old self if I had the opportunity in answering one of life’s big questions? I think it would have been something like this:

“Happiness is a positive state of being not dependent on achievement or desired outcomes. Do your best to sprinkle more joy and be more present in your life. Reduce your wants and attachments and be grateful for what you have. Contribute positively to the world and others through your work or free time. Value and nurture your relationships. Don’t fear but learn from your struggles. Most of all, never forget who you truly are… that you are loved, you are loving and lovable by just being yourself and that is not something you need to earn, achieve or have validated by anyone. It just is, and anything to the contrary is simply a falsehood you are telling yourself through your stories and patterns. The experience of life is the gift and its purpose all rolled into one.”

In the end, I didn’t need Tony Robbins (or swimming with dolphins) after all to experience happiness. It was always within me until I simply remembered. May you all be happy and well.

Thought: How has your view of happiness changed over your life?

This article is published as part of the Knowing Road, a weekly newsletter for those interested in improving the most important relationship in their lives — the one with themselves. To learn more and subscribe click here.

[1] I finally experienced the high energy of a Tony Robbins event when I participated in the very first virtual Unleash the Power Within program last year. Admittedly, it was a high octane sensory overloaded weekend filled with constant jumping and dancing combined with self improvement exercises mixed in. I can see why people enjoy and find value in his programs despite the overt up-selling of his other programs at the end of each emotional and physically exhausting day.