How to Improve your Relationship with your Inner Critic
These past few weeks my inner critic has been having a field day. “Why are you not writing, do you have nothing valuable to say?” “You lost your ____________ [fill in the blank] again, why are you always losing things?” “Why aren’t you more like ____________ [fill in the blank]?” “Are you sure you are doing the right thing?” “What are people going to think of you?” Do any of these sound familiar to you? It is a constant stream of critical thoughts as if there is someone with you all the time, and the fact is that there is, and it’s called your mind.
Recently, I was on a long drive in my car listening to Eckhart Tolle’s well known “Power of Now” and was reminded of the negative influence our mind’s can have over us:
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
Taking that piece of wisdom to my own life’s situation, I can objectively sit back and confidently say that other than physical pain and suffering, the occurrence of any undesired life event, however, big or small, is not the root of my unhappiness but rather its my response or meaning that I attach to it.
Not writing is not the source of unhappiness for me, but rather its my own inner critic’s reasons why I am not writing that produces the unhappiness.
Misplacing items in my life is the not course of unhappiness for me but rather its my inner critic’s words reflecting the lack of my personal responsibility.
Other people’s lives and how they appear “better” than mine is not the source of unhappiness for me, but rather it’s my inner critic’s false suggestions that such differential is evidence of a lacking in my own life.
We could go on and on with such examples.
Your ego, as manifested from your mind, needs to be right all of the time. Its continued existence and survival depends on it. Engaging in an inner dialogue with your ego as to why its wrong is an intellectual exercise in futility. Trying to convince the king as he sits on his throne that he is not the king will only lead to frustration.
So how do we quiet our inner critic and hence our ego based suffering? Putting our hands over our ears to deny such voices simply doesn’t work. For me, mindfulness meditation is one practice that has had a profound impact on my life and my thoughts in response to my life’s situation at any given moment. For me, as taught by respected teachers such as Tara Brach or Jack Kornfield, mindfulness consists of two essential parts.
The first part is an actual awareness of your inner world around you. This may be your bodily sensations such as a tightness in your upper back, or the temperature that makes itself known on the surface area of your skin. It may be the sounds of the bird singing its morning song right outside your window, or even the sounds of your air conditioning coming through your vents. It is remarkable what sounds you start to notice if you just become still and listen. The silence is really not actual silence around you but the sounds of life abound however subtle.
But as you settle into your senses and begin to focus on your breath, and the rise and fall of your chest or belly with each in and out breath, the mind simply cannot just sit back and allow such peace to continue without interjecting and without invitation. The mind is constant, and often people who become frustrated with meditation come to sit with the expectation that their mind is suppose to stop. As if it can be put into a corner of your room and rightfully told to sit there and be quiet. Unfortunately, our minds don’t work that way. Its song must be heard.
At first it may be a work task that is waiting for you on your computer telling you to hurry along. Maybe it’s the thought of doubt or uncertainty as to some event to occur in the future. Often it can include revisiting a memory from the past and ruminating on it. Whether it’s the past or future, when the mind is involved, that space in between which we call the “now” or the “present” is territory that the mind is not comfortable with. For in the “now,” there is no right or wrong. In the “present,” there is no judgment, it is just what it is. That is the sacred place of surrender, the place of acceptance, the place of ease, and the place of timelessness.
But with such mind created thoughts of the past, the future and judgment swirling around, how does one get to that place of now? Well that would include the second part of mindfulness, which I believe is the key, and that is with “loving kindness.”
Loving kindness is the quality to treat your thoughts as a loving and gentle observer. To not chastise yourself for such thoughts. To be kind to yourself without judgment. When engaged with a loving and neutral sense self, the inner critic loses its hold on you, and allows you to return back to your center… your now.
The highly respected and known meditation teacher Tara Brach describes the power of “loving kindness” as follows:
“The most powerful healing arises from the simple intention to love the life within you, unconditionally, with as much tenderness and presence as possible.”
I love the thought of showing “tenderness” to ourselves. Imagine being more gentle with our inner world. When you begin to do that your relationship with your inner critic is improved dramatically. Your sense of personal freedom from the stories or patterns of the past, and worries of the future is truly amplified.
In the end, quieting the inner critic may not be an achievable goal but we can certainly improve our relationship with it. So sit quietly, focus on your breath and become more aware of your outer and inner life. As you begin to observe your critical thoughts bubbling up, treat them with loving kindness as if you were gently holding a precious baby bird in your hands. Sit and smile as it slowly fades and enjoy your new found steps to practice on the Knowing Road. Be well.
This article is published as part of the Knowing Road, a weekly newsletter for those interested in improving the most important relationship in their lives — the one with themselves. To learn more and subscribe click here.
